You'll Be Sorry When I'm Dead by Hardy Marieke

Author:Hardy, Marieke
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: BIO026000, HUM008000
ISBN: 9781742694306
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2011-08-22T16:00:00+00:00

Turfed out of my Footscray abode in early November, i embarked on a sort of managed homelessness for the summer.

I slept in all manner of posh and tawdry hotel rooms while touring my comedy apocalypse themed group across the country.

I dozed under a piano in Fitzroy during a Sri Lankan metal party, slumbered painfully upright in a chair in Warrnambool after accidentally going home with a handicapped girl and napped occasionally in my uncle’s tiny studio (shed) that was so loud it seemed built on St Kilda Road rather than next to it.

I sampled couches from Coburg to Northbridge, jammed myself in the back of a Tarago (!) and snoozed in a shack on Bruny Island.

A relative’s mansion in Clovelly gave me a whole week of the good life and a little indie house in Northcote gave me another.

I crashed in a rattly old student house during a cyclone in Darwin, shared a shed loft in northern New South Wales with a large huntsman (spider) during a major flood event and begged my way occasionally into my long suffering ex-girlfriend’s bed.

It sure saved me some money, and it’s true initially i felt like Neal Cassady but by early March i was going mental. I didn’t have the cash for my own place but kept baulking at little rooms in share houses with people i didn’t know or 20-year-old fans who’d responded to my ill-conceived Facebook post.

So when Hardy sent me a message about her front room i was not entirely desperate but pretty close.

I did some checking with friends and discovered that she’d just broken up with her man Tim who i liked a lot. Although i’m single and have a fairly vivid imagination and she is smart and funny and great-looking it was really my lust for real estate that drew me to her. I wanted a room with my stuff in it with a door that closed on the world. And the only time i had slept with a flatmate before turned horribly bad as she managed to eject me from my own Elwood share mansion place and send my Kingswood to the wreckers in one cunning move (Our ecstatic semicrazed hippie/rocker couplings were almost worth the pain but only almost).

Armed with these bittersweet memories as a kind of psychic shield i trooped off to have a vegan meet-and-greet dinner at Marieke’s place.

I had a quick check of Facebook before i headed off though and there she was on my news feed reenacting a famous ’70s photograph of Derryn Hinch and playmate Allyson Best.

She was topless on a bed reading the paper.

Her breasts were truly magnificent.

Oh dear, i thought, this could be interesting . . .

I cleverly reframed the situation on the cab ride over. Now i had seen her near naked then at least the curiosity factor was gone (this evil curiosity factor has been undoing hapless flatmates since the first share house in the Garden of Eden). And at least i wasn’t moving in with Derryn Hinch.

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